Introduction To Loneliness....P5

Leaving is the hardest thing

I packed all my things and stuffed everything in the car.  We have come to a settlement that we will be living separately like normal boyfriend and girlfriend does.  I can visit her once in a while or even stay with her at home.  I am against this setup but I don’t have any other choice.  I love her so much that sacrificing everything we have established will be gone forever is a mere factor than saving our relationship.

She really wants me to go, to let me go.  She wants to be free from all worries, from all stress.  Somehow I’m became too possessive of her that she can’t even do things that would make her happy.  I know that somehow I’m holding her back.  She told me that our relationship has become stagnant for so long that we have become comfortable with each other and we don’t strive for more.  I honestly would say that this is true.  I have become so comfortable with what I have that even the smallest things of making her happy will be just something that we have talked about.  I never did the things she wanted me to achieve or do for the both of us. 

I was driving back home and everything is just a complete blur.  I don’t know what will happen next but in my mind I know that I’m paying a lot for something that I’m partly to blame.  I want to insist that we can work out whatever our differences are but the only reason that she would give me is that she wanted me to go and we need to work on our selves separately.  She told me that she wanted to continue studying or maybe apply for a better job.  She wanted to learn how to live by herself not always being dependent on me.  She has always been dependent with me on almost all the things that we do.  I have no problems with that but sometimes we argue about little things that she can or she can’t do.  

Everything was coming back to me.  From the day I met her, up to the time that we had our last argument.  From little things that we dislike from each other to the past issues that we had.  I was trying to explain to myself why would it come to this?  Why am I suffering so much?  What did I do wrong to deserve this?  It’s hard to know that it’s over.  The set up that she wanted us to take is just a preparation for the worst.  The thought that we’ll never be together again.  I’m afraid of what this will lead to.  I’m not prepared for something like this.